As a child, Princess Olufemi-Kayode was sexually abused. Her parents couldn’t do anything then because they lacked information and her violator walked away a free man.
Today, Princess is giving voice to the sexually abused, fighting for them to get justice even with the constraints involved. She told Daily Sun that her Non-Governmental Organisation (NGO), Media Concern for Women and Children (MEDIACON), was a call from God and not what she had planned to do. Her drive is visible, her approach, fiery. The challenges she encounters don’t move her as she is set to defend these children no matter what it costs her. She also spoke on the need for all the parties involved to join forces in curtailing sexual violence against children, among other things. Excerpts:
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Starting out
MEDIACON is a vision; I didn’t set out to establish this NGO. It wasn’t part of my dreams, but I got the call to assist people who have been sexually abused. It was founded in 2000. Then, it wasn’t really an NGO, but an avenue for young people to share ideas and tackle issues. I got the call to establish MEDIACON at Winners Chapel’s yearly programnme, Shiloh 2002. At that point, I didn’t know what to do with my life because I felt there was more to my life than what was happening to me. I left my job to focus fully on the assignment God has given me.
What steps did you take to kickstart your journey in handling cases of sexual violence?
I started with research since I already know the direction I am headed. I wanted to know what was on ground and I did a lot of research. There was nobody on the field dealing with sexual violence on women and children. I learnt from successful NGO directors and from those who have failed also. I learnt lessons why some NGOs are growing while others are stagnant as well as what they were doing right or wrong. I engaged in all these activities because I didn’t want to duplicate another person’s efforts.
When you eventually started, what structures were in place to tackle cases of sexual violence?
Interestingly, when we started, we didn’t just dabble into handling sexual violence cases. We didn’t start working with victims. We started with creating more awareness for sexual violence and breaking the silence that was associated with it. It is happening daily and nobody wants to talk about it. We partnered the media for over one year to get national recognition. We brought the issue of sexual violence to the open and got people talking about it. We generated discussions on sexual violence especially how it affects women and children. Soon, we started having people in our office who needed help on how to go about preventing sexual violence and that was it.
What next?
It is our duty to break the silence, assist people to access help and at the same time prevent sexual violence. It was then that we saw the criminal aspect of sexual abuse. We experienced the obstacles to eradicating sexual violence within the context of our country. We equally experienced the constraints and frustrations of the victims. So, we began developing programmes to deal with that aspect, established help lines for easy access to us and an office where people can come for counselling. With the help lines, came an explosion. People were calling all over the nation to talk about their experiences and get counselled.
We were faced with the dilemma of dealing with the several cases we had at hand. The more challenges we faced, the more we mapped out strategies on the way forward. The only option was to create programmes to address the issues squarely and also work with the relevant authorities. It is more challenging to work on sexual violence in Nigeria because you are dealing with all its aspects. In developed countries, there are segmented bodies that deal with the various aspects of sexual violence such as prevention, punishing offenders and criminal justice. Here, we have to deal with everything and it is tedious. We have to be creative, we pray, we fast to get direction from God on the next step to take. We are not afraid of finances or cases because we know God is our strength.
In our culture, parents find it hard to discuss sex with their children; do you think this is responsible for the rising cases of sexual abuse in Nigeria?
I won’t say so. Even in developed countries, there are still parents who find it hard to talk about sex with their children even as it pervades everything. From advertisements to books and magazines, sex is everywhere, but they still find it difficult to discuss it. This generation, however, has the greatest challenge of tackling sexual violence. This is because today’s parents are doing the same thing our parents did to us in our own time. Then, our parents didn’t discuss sex with us, rather, they left that aspect to chance.
I had aunties living with us who taught me some of the things I knew about sex and my body at my adolescent ages. There was a gap between our parents and us when it came to sex education and children relied on newspaper, television and sometimes their friends when it comes to sex matters. The same thing is happening today, unless parents change and teach their children what they need to know about their bodies and sex. It is even more challenging today because children develop quickly emotionally, physically and mentally. They can pick things easily, but in all these, I don’t think it is the cause of rising cases of sexual violence. It has always been there.
What are the causes of sexual violence?
I believe we do not tackle the cases properly in Nigeria. If we make noise about it and parents take precautions to prevent it, then, we punish offenders, it will reduce. We should make functional laws that are applicable to our environment. Victims and their traumatized family members should be properly counseled so that they won’t become a threat to others in the society. It is also important that people are careful of who they bring into their homes as sexual abuse knows no boundary or social status.
It affects the rich and the poor, the educated and illiterate. It affects both children in the streets and those within the confines of their homes because child molesters are 99 per cent close to the family. It can be an aunty or an uncle, a cousin, friend, neighbours, in-laws, lesson teachers, pastors, Imams and so on. These are people you entrust your children with and they end up defiling them. It is not only girl-child who are being molested, there are also male children being molested by their mothers and vice versa. Both sexes can also be abused by people of the same sex; it is a tricky situation that needs to be treated without kid’s gloves. We have a lot of factors encouraging the rising cases of sexual abuse. We can curtail these cases when we teach our children about privacy, they should know that their bodies are private and shouldn’t allow anyone touch them anyhow.
Would you advise parents of abused children to settle out of court?
Yes, but it is not a parent case. This is because based on the Child Acts law, if you abuse any child; you have committed an offence against the state. The government takes over the case and it is effective in every state of the nation that has enacted the Child Acts law.
What if they are being cajoled to do that?
Offenders always cajole the victims’ family. People at times say that they beg God for forgiveness and He forgives, then, how come the family of a victim has refused to settle out of court with the offender? Our sentimental values in Nigeria sometimes overshadow the truth and truncate the system of punishing offenders for the crimes they have committed. People see it as a small issue, but the truth is that any child that has suffered sexual abuse has been wounded deeply and only God can heal that wound. Ignorance is not an excuse for letting offenders go unpunished. It is left for the families to decide on what to do and they shouldn’t be cajoled to do that.
What are the consequences of sexual violence on children?
There are tendencies for risk behaviour, teenage pregnancy, multiple sex partners. Some of these children run away from home and become sex workers due to loss of self worth. They suffer image loss. The boys become defiant, unruly and sometimes resort to pornography. They stay in abusive relationships and are abused over and over again. There are lots of dangers associated with sexual violence which parents never discover. There are also health risks such as HIV/AIDS, STDs and also the psychological traumas that if not dealt with, will destroy the child. Some of these children suffer from suicidal thoughts and are prone to killing themselves if not monitored. There is also post-traumatic stress disorder and so on. We are not helping victims if we allow offenders to go unpunished. Everyone needs education on the issue of sexual violence. From the judge to the police officer who makes the arrest, to the victims families and the society at large.
What are some of your constraints in punishing offenders?
The judges at times do not understand the gravity of the damage done to a child’s psyche that has been violently abused. They just send offenders off to learn lessons which are rather lenient rather than punishing them. The evident act is a major problem and the facilities we have on ground are not helping matters. Everyone should be involved. There is no proper co-ordination between the criminal justice system and social workers over the years and it is causing a lot of hindrances to the fight against sexual abuse.
In view of all these challenges and constraints you encounter, how do you hope to tackle sexual violence head-on?
I believe things will get better. What we have on ground now is better than where we are coming from. Some of the agencies involved are waking up to their responsibilities and it is a good sign. Police officers are being more receptive to our cause and working with them now is more result-oriented. Although they have their constraints, they are doing all they can to assist us. We mobilize the police to arrest offenders and charge them in the family court where the cases are tried. Understanding these constraints helps us to know how to beat the system and we are making sure that the system works regardless of these constraints. We stand by the victims as their advocates as we don’t have lawyers. We know the law and we know the system so we are standing by the victims so that they can get the best.
How do you integrate these children back into the society?
We do counseling programmes for the victims and their families. It is also a family affair because one case of sexual abuse involving a man and his daughter is capable of tearing the family apart. We work with people to assist them get information they need on how to deal with crises arising from sexual abuse.
What steps should parents take to prevent their children from being abused?
There should be an open communication channel and be careful who they leave their children with. Parents should make themselves assessable to their children all the time. When they ask questions regarding sexual matters, don’t shut them up. Teach them at any level they are.
They should be able to trust you and confide in you. Teach them to maintain their privacy and that no one has the right to intrude on their privacy. Parents should let their children know how sacred sex is and not allow them pick the wrong information elsewhere. We should not shut them up because today’s children want to be heard.
You were sexually abused as a child, how did you deal with it?
My parents discovered it, but it had been on for a long time. There was no enabling environment for me to talk to them about it. They didn’t do anything but it affected me until I decided to fight it after a lot of things had gone wrong in my life.
Tell us about yourself
I am Princess Olufemi-Kayode, I am a mother, a wife and the Executive Director of Media Concern for Women and Children (MEDIACON). I have an honorary diploma in public health and am doing a masters programme in Psychology.
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